wonderful new things

When I read this list of new and wonderful things you'll get to do as a parent on Cup of Jo last week I was cracking up at #15: "cut up a grape." The act of cutting up a grape isn't funny in itself, but the fact that I cut up about 30 grapes a day into 4 pieces wasn't something I thought I'd be doing as a mom before I had Kyle. I love these kinds of lists, so I thought I'd add a few of my own wonderful things to Jason Good's original list (below mine):

Wonderful Things You'll Get to Do (a la Krista)

1. Wash an average of 56 dishes a day.
2. Wipe someone else's booger on your pants (that you just pulled out with your pinky nail).
3. Use a breast pump in a public restroom.
4. Cry over a haircut that's not yours.
5. Become elated when someone else swallows a small piece of vegetable/smoothie/medicine.
6. Have inside jokes about Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with your husband.
7. Spend an entire night trying to sleep with your arm lifted above your head squeezed through narrow crib slats (am I the only one who's done this?!).
8. Spend a good amount of time examining and discussing someone else's private parts.
9. Take a shower in a tub that just moments ago was full of poop.
10. Give yourself a stiff neck trying to reach a pacifier on the other side of the car while merging onto the 405.
11. Fold the same load of laundry 5 10 times.
12. Have a favorite tone/volume setting for white noise.
13. Fall asleep sitting up. Every night.
14. Schedule time to run the dishwasher.
15. Think someone else's cellulite is adorable.
16. Learn to take a doorknob off and open a locked door in under a minute.
17. Encourage excitement about the trash man/street sweeper.
18. Spend an entire night putting too-small clothes in storage bins and holding back tears.
19. Have a TV in your house that for the last 6 months has only played the same Baby Einstein DVD.
20. Wash someone else's bedding an average of 20 times more a month than your own.
21. Open a granola bar with your hands inside the cupboard and then cram the whole thing in your mouth before you're spotted.

Here's the original list that had me laughing:

Oh, but the New and Wonderful New Things You’ll Get to Do
By Jason Good, father of two

There are, indeed, countless things you will no longer be able to do after having children, like grooming, learning, stretching and snorkeling. But don’t fret. Here are just a few of the amazing new things you’ll get to do instead.

1. Butter a piece of toast while peeing
2. Brush someone’s teeth against his will
3. Blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth
4. Help someone else blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth
5. Eat food that has fallen out of someone else’s mouth
6. Eat food you found on the floor
7. Eat food you found on the mantle
8. Eat candy you found in a shoe
9. Put someone in a Bob the Builder costume while fighting off diarrhea
10. Visit a psychiatrist
11. Wipe somebody’s nose with your bare hand
12. Eat baby food
13. Blame a fart on a child
14. Get someone dressed while you’re in the shower
15. Cut up a grape
16. Almost agree to cut up a raisin
17. Pretend to enjoy the flavor of a prune
18. Ask someone why their hair smells like yogurt
19. Ask someone why their hair smells like your antiperspirant
20. Put someone else’s toenail clippings in your pocket
21. Let someone watch you pee as they stare blankly while eating a Popsicle